askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-28 02:14 pm

Binding...

I thought I'd make a post about binding. Right now I currently use two underworks binders and a wasit trimmer. The two underworks binders are 997, the double front compression shirt. They work okay but not a great deal. The waist trimmer is just something I bought from Walmart and cut a hole for the head and arms. It's cheap but compresses really good. I'm an DDD/E cup so this is a picture of how flat I get from using the things described above.

I get pretty flat considering how big I start out. It's enough for me to pass regularly.  Big guys aren't normally completely flat anyways. So it works well enough. Definitely do NOT ever use ace bandages. I use to before I had my binders and they were just a complete pain in the ass. They hurt when you wear them because they are made to constrict and tighten the more you breath. I couldn't wear them for more than a couple of hours. If you're going for the cheap method then I'd go for the waist trimmer. Make sure you get one that will be tight enough, but not so tight you have to dislocate a shoulder to get into it. I'm a big guy but I fit myself into a size large. So it can be done it's just a matter of finding the right size for you. Those are really the only experience I have with binding so I can't speak about any other methods. I just know what seems to work for me and my body.

in other news, I'm working on my coming out letters to mom and Nanny. Yes, still! I might just get Nanny to read the same letter I wrote my dad. But mom, well...I have to be gentler in the way I come out to her. I have to be a bit more delicate. She may be tough but I know telling her something like this would completely throw her for a tailspin. She wouldn't know how to respond. And if she did it would more than likely be with yelling. And more yelling. And probably some throwing of objects. And that is why she''s getting a letter and I'm not doing it in person.

askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-22 11:17 pm
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The dreaded C word...

Yes I'm going to CHURCH in the morning. My dad asked me to and I have a hard time saying no. He's just like me, he never likes going places alone. It's just hard for me sitting there knowing that if they knew that I was trans or even bi, that they would probably kick me out on my ass. Or try to pray it out of me. Either way it wouldn't be good. They're Pentecostal and that is a very strict denomination, like word for word from the bible strict. The last time they went on and on about how this gay and lesbian dance that another church was holding was going against the bible and this and that. And I know what you're thinking "Well, why don't you go to the church that accepts lgbt people?" And I went once. It was...interesting to say the least. I can relate to their ideas a lot better than the one I'll be going to tomorrow. But the service was just weird. I didn't even feel like I was going to rot in hell after it was over. And you know you haven't been to church until you feel like you're a sinner and going to hell the moment you step out the door. Or at least that has been my experience with churches. Which was probably why thte  trans friendly church didn't feel right. But I'd be willing to go again, even a few times. Dad however isn't to up to the idea of going again. And seeing as we only have one car and the services are at the same time, well it'd be a little hard. He could drop me off but you never know when a Pentecostal church is going to let out. Could be noon, could be 3. Seriously, you never know. And I'm not standing on the street like some hooker outside of the church. Doubt they would want me hanging around however long it would take the old man to come and get me. Anyways, I'm headed to bed for the night. Or I'm going to try and go to bed. We'll see how it goes.
askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-17 06:38 pm
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Picture Post Time!







I look a little pissed off in the last one but I still like it.
Do you think I pass okay?
I'm getting called sir and dude more often.
Which is something I love!
 
askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-17 12:24 am
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(no subject)


I came out to my dad tonight! We were watching a show on sex reassignment surgeries and he asked me if I'd thought about having one. At first I said no, but then I ended up saying yes I had. I was so scared. But he just hugged me and told me he loved me. He said that he thought that was the case anyways. He's been thinking I wanted to be a boy since I bought my first binder a few months back. So needless to say it has had time to sink in and he wasn't all that surprised. Which was amazing, and so much easier than I thought it would be. I told him that people knew me as Cole.  and later in the conversation he said "Well, you're still Melissa.. I mean Cole." Which surprised me, I didn't think he'd be able to use my name in a sentence at all. He said he supported me no matter what but if I wanted any surgeries I was going to have to pay for them. So needless to say I'm a very happy guy right about now.
 
askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-15 12:28 am

Binders, Clothes And SHOES!

I ordered a new binder off underworks! I got the same one I already have. I was scared to get a size smaller. At least now I have two that I can rotate with instead of having to worry about washing it so often. I got the two day delivery so it should be here at least by Tuesday. I'm excited it's like Christmas coming early! It's rather sad that this is my idea of Christmas, I mean there isn't even SNOW involved.

I also went shopping and got a jacket, a hoodie and a button up black shirt. I look pretty snazzy in the black shirt if I do say so myself. The jacket is a womens but it was just to cool to pass up. I have nothing to wear it with but I'm sure I'll find something. And I have a love of shoes. So I got these hot pink/blue/black shoes. I saw them and knew they were meant for me. Only someone this weird would wear something like that. Dad hates them but that only makes me love them a little more than I already did. He says they are ugly but I really don't care. THEY'RE SHOES, how can they be ugly?! Wait, I take that back. I've seen shoes so ugly even I wouldn't buy them. See I keep gushing about shoes, it'a an addiction. I'm going to go slap myself. Good night!

...unless I get bored and decide to post something else...later.
askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-15 12:27 am
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Coming Out Letter #3

Final draft time, then I won't have to bother you anymore on this subject...which is a total lie but is sounds good doesn't it?! I added/edited a few things here and there., which are all bolded for your . All in all it's pretty much the same as the second draft. I'm going to take a copy to my therapist office and get her opinion on it on Tuesday. On to the letter...

Dad,

 

            There is something that I have been keeping a secret for a long while now. I want nothing more than to be open and honest with you about everything in my life. It has pained me to keep this from you. I’m not good at speaking when it comes to things like this so I thought it would be better to write to you instead. This is easily one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to tell you. Please just take your time and read this whole letter.

 

            For as long as I can remember I’ve had these thoughts that I didn’t fully understand until the last few years. I remember growing up thinking that I was not all that comfortable in my own skin. I thought maybe I wasn’t giving being a girl a good enough shot or it was a problem with my weight or something like that. I tried growing out my hair and dressing in a girly manner. It didn’t help. As I started maturing I realized that those weren’t the issues. I remember having these thoughts ranging from ‘why can’t I be a boy?’ to ‘why can’t I go outside without a shirt on?’ to ‘why do I have to pee sitting down?’ That being said I’ve come to the conclusion that I am transgender. That means I may be female on the outside but I feel male on the inside. I feel more comfortable referring to myself as a male, using a male name, and having people use male pronouns [he/his] when they refer to me. I don’t know how to explain it fully. It’s just something I know in my heart. I know these feelings and thoughts have been there for years but I just tried to hide them or pretend they didn’t exist. It didn’t really click until the last couple of years that I was in fact transgender.

 

I know that I am not the woman you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of. We have been through so much together, good and bad. The only hope that I have right now is that you will continue to be there by my side. I love you and respect you so very much. I’m not asking you to accept me as a man. I’m merely asking you to continue to be there for me. When I introduce myself to people I use the name Cole, this is the name I have chosen to go by.  I hope to legally change it when I get the chance to do so. I know you probably have questions, some of which I might not be able to explain. I’ll try my best though.

 

            None of this is your fault, no one is to blame. There are many theories as to why this type of thing happens. One is that in the womb there is a rush of testosterone but not enough to form a male body, but enough to form the male brain. I wouldn’t even be bringing this up unless it was something I thought long and hard about. I wouldn’t put you through this unless I was sure. I don’t want to hurt you or get you upset, but I’m sure you will feel some of these feelings anyway. And I’m truly sorry for that. It isn’t my intention to bring you pain. I love you so very much. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it has meant the world to me to share this with you.

 

I love you.

- Cole

askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-14 12:14 am
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It makes me so sad...

You know when I read the letters on transletters on LJ it just makes me want to cry. To see other people dealing with the same fears as myself. To be frightened to death to tell their parents/friends about who they really are. I sit there and just cry because I know how bad it hurts to carry this secret and not be able to tell those closest to you. To not be able to tell the ones who matter the most. It was no big deal telling you guys because I knew that you would accept me with open arms. With my dad, as much as I'd like to believe that is the case, I really don't see it happening that way. He always tells me he loves me no matter what. And in my mind I'm thinking 'really? are you sure?' He's been so supportive through everything. Through the cutting and the whole bipolar/ptsd drama and dealing with doctor after doctor. And paying all this money just to make sure i'm okay. And I feel like if I do tell him it will just be another burden I'm putting on his back for him to carry. It feels like I'm crushing him with everything I've put him through. I know I didn't ask for any of this but it doesn't make the feelings go away any quicker. And I know that if I tell him it's ultimately his decision on how to handle it. But I don't want to be the one to break him. And I'm afraid I will be.
askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-13 08:18 pm
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Coming Out Letter #2

Dad,

 

            There is something that I have been keeping a secret for a long while now. I want nothing more than to be open and honest with you about everything in my life. I’m not good at speaking when it comes to things like this so I thought it would be better to write it out instead. This is easily one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to tell you. Please just take your time and read this whole letter.

 

            For as long as I can remember I’ve had these thoughts that I didn’t fully understand until the last few years. I remember growing up thinking that I was not all that comfortable in my own skin. I thought maybe I wasn’t giving being a girl a good enough shot or it was a problem with my weight or something like that. I tried growing out my hair and dressing in a girly manner. It didn’t help, if anything it made me feel more awkward. It didn’t go away when I lost weight either. But as I started maturing I realized that it those weren’t the issues.  I can recall having thoughts like ‘I wish I was a boy’ or ‘why can’t I be a boy’ from a young age.  That being said I’ve come to the conclusion that I am transgender. That means I may be female on the outside but I feel male on the inside. I feel more comfortable referring to myself as a male, using a male name, and having people use male pronouns [he/his] when they refer to me. I don’t know that I can fully explain why I feel this way but it’s just something that I know to be true in my heart. I know these feelings and thoughts have been there for years but I just tried to hide them or pretend they didn’t exist. It didn’t really click up until the last couple of years that I am transgender.

 

                        I know that I am not the woman you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of. We have been through so much together, good and bad. The only hope that I have right now is that you will continue to be there by my side. I love you and respect you so very much. I’m not asking you to accept me as a man. I’m merely asking you to continue to be there for me. When I introduce myself to people I use the name Cole, this is the name I have chosen to go by.  I hope to legally change it when I get the chance to do so. I know you probably have questions, some of which I might not be able to explain. I’ll try my best though.

 

I couldn’t ask for a better father or a better friend. I’ve told you all of this so we could continue to be honest with each other about everything in out lives. I’m finally starting to feel happy in my life, something I wasn’t sure could ever happen. I just want you to know I love you very much. I know this has probably been very hard for you to hear and it wasn’t my intention to hurt you in any way. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means a lot to me just having you listen to what I have to say.

 

 

Love always,

Cole

askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-13 04:49 pm
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Coming out as trans...

I have the first draft of my coming out letter to my father over on my livejournal.
Click HERE to go and read it. Let me know what you think.