askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-28 02:14 pm

Binding...

I thought I'd make a post about binding. Right now I currently use two underworks binders and a wasit trimmer. The two underworks binders are 997, the double front compression shirt. They work okay but not a great deal. The waist trimmer is just something I bought from Walmart and cut a hole for the head and arms. It's cheap but compresses really good. I'm an DDD/E cup so this is a picture of how flat I get from using the things described above.

I get pretty flat considering how big I start out. It's enough for me to pass regularly.  Big guys aren't normally completely flat anyways. So it works well enough. Definitely do NOT ever use ace bandages. I use to before I had my binders and they were just a complete pain in the ass. They hurt when you wear them because they are made to constrict and tighten the more you breath. I couldn't wear them for more than a couple of hours. If you're going for the cheap method then I'd go for the waist trimmer. Make sure you get one that will be tight enough, but not so tight you have to dislocate a shoulder to get into it. I'm a big guy but I fit myself into a size large. So it can be done it's just a matter of finding the right size for you. Those are really the only experience I have with binding so I can't speak about any other methods. I just know what seems to work for me and my body.

in other news, I'm working on my coming out letters to mom and Nanny. Yes, still! I might just get Nanny to read the same letter I wrote my dad. But mom, well...I have to be gentler in the way I come out to her. I have to be a bit more delicate. She may be tough but I know telling her something like this would completely throw her for a tailspin. She wouldn't know how to respond. And if she did it would more than likely be with yelling. And more yelling. And probably some throwing of objects. And that is why she''s getting a letter and I'm not doing it in person.

askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-24 10:22 pm

I don't understand why...

The scariest thing I can imagine is coming out to my mother. It would be even worse than coming out to Nanny. And Nanny is the religious one! You would think that. Because she's my mother she should love me no matter what. But to be honest I rarely feel like she truly cares and loves me. We've just never been close. And when you aren't close to someone, you have less of an idea about they will react. And the reaction I think she will have is one of horror and disgust. Sure she has a gay brother, but she hates the fact that I'm attracted to both men and women. She's always asking me 'So, are you still a lesbian?' and it gets to me. Shouldn't a parent love their child no matter what? I'm not saying that we have to agree on everything but she should at least be able to accept something like that since she has know since I was 13. Ten years and she still won't show any sign of budging. So you can imagine why I don't really want to come out as trans to her. I'm suppose to go visit her next week. I'm going to try and give her a letter similar to the one I gave my dad when I leave. Definitely to much of a chicken to give it to her when I get there. So, the next step would be her's. If she wishes to continue our relationship then that would be great. And maybe then my faith in her would be restored a little bit. Like I said this is the scariest thing I could imagine doing, but that is part of the reason why I want to do it. I need to stand up for myself and be true to who I am. And if she can't be happy and support me in this then that's on her. It wouldn't be my fault for her reaction. And I think that is one of the hardest parts to believe. I love my mom regardless of what she may have done or haven't done in the past. Even after all the bullshit and the abuse. It would still hurt me if she decided to no longer be there for me. I'm going to be obsessing about this until I tell her. Let's just hope I don't drive myself crazy in the mean time.
askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-17 08:36 pm

It's that time again...

tomorrow. Anyone want to go for me? I don't feel like going. Well, part of me doesn't. Then there is that part that wants to tell her just how well my dad took the news. Which I'm still in a little shock about. I even got him to agree to go to a pflag meeting. But in return he wants me to go to a support group for glbt people. And that makes me nervous. Why? I really don't know. You know me and my anxiety about meeting new people. You'd think some of these meds I'm on would do something about that. My therpist thinks I'm on the wrong meds anyways. I've been waiting 2 1/2 weeks for my psychiatrist to get back to me to make an appointment. I'm starting to look for a new one, because that's just crazy having to wait that long for a simple phone call. Anywyas, enough bitching for today. Unless I get an urge later, which just might happen. It is early after all...
askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-17 12:24 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)


I came out to my dad tonight! We were watching a show on sex reassignment surgeries and he asked me if I'd thought about having one. At first I said no, but then I ended up saying yes I had. I was so scared. But he just hugged me and told me he loved me. He said that he thought that was the case anyways. He's been thinking I wanted to be a boy since I bought my first binder a few months back. So needless to say it has had time to sink in and he wasn't all that surprised. Which was amazing, and so much easier than I thought it would be. I told him that people knew me as Cole.  and later in the conversation he said "Well, you're still Melissa.. I mean Cole." Which surprised me, I didn't think he'd be able to use my name in a sentence at all. He said he supported me no matter what but if I wanted any surgeries I was going to have to pay for them. So needless to say I'm a very happy guy right about now.
 
askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-15 12:27 am
Entry tags:

Coming Out Letter #3

Final draft time, then I won't have to bother you anymore on this subject...which is a total lie but is sounds good doesn't it?! I added/edited a few things here and there., which are all bolded for your . All in all it's pretty much the same as the second draft. I'm going to take a copy to my therapist office and get her opinion on it on Tuesday. On to the letter...

Dad,

 

            There is something that I have been keeping a secret for a long while now. I want nothing more than to be open and honest with you about everything in my life. It has pained me to keep this from you. I’m not good at speaking when it comes to things like this so I thought it would be better to write to you instead. This is easily one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to tell you. Please just take your time and read this whole letter.

 

            For as long as I can remember I’ve had these thoughts that I didn’t fully understand until the last few years. I remember growing up thinking that I was not all that comfortable in my own skin. I thought maybe I wasn’t giving being a girl a good enough shot or it was a problem with my weight or something like that. I tried growing out my hair and dressing in a girly manner. It didn’t help. As I started maturing I realized that those weren’t the issues. I remember having these thoughts ranging from ‘why can’t I be a boy?’ to ‘why can’t I go outside without a shirt on?’ to ‘why do I have to pee sitting down?’ That being said I’ve come to the conclusion that I am transgender. That means I may be female on the outside but I feel male on the inside. I feel more comfortable referring to myself as a male, using a male name, and having people use male pronouns [he/his] when they refer to me. I don’t know how to explain it fully. It’s just something I know in my heart. I know these feelings and thoughts have been there for years but I just tried to hide them or pretend they didn’t exist. It didn’t really click until the last couple of years that I was in fact transgender.

 

I know that I am not the woman you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of. We have been through so much together, good and bad. The only hope that I have right now is that you will continue to be there by my side. I love you and respect you so very much. I’m not asking you to accept me as a man. I’m merely asking you to continue to be there for me. When I introduce myself to people I use the name Cole, this is the name I have chosen to go by.  I hope to legally change it when I get the chance to do so. I know you probably have questions, some of which I might not be able to explain. I’ll try my best though.

 

            None of this is your fault, no one is to blame. There are many theories as to why this type of thing happens. One is that in the womb there is a rush of testosterone but not enough to form a male body, but enough to form the male brain. I wouldn’t even be bringing this up unless it was something I thought long and hard about. I wouldn’t put you through this unless I was sure. I don’t want to hurt you or get you upset, but I’m sure you will feel some of these feelings anyway. And I’m truly sorry for that. It isn’t my intention to bring you pain. I love you so very much. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it has meant the world to me to share this with you.

 

I love you.

- Cole

askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-14 12:14 am
Entry tags:

It makes me so sad...

You know when I read the letters on transletters on LJ it just makes me want to cry. To see other people dealing with the same fears as myself. To be frightened to death to tell their parents/friends about who they really are. I sit there and just cry because I know how bad it hurts to carry this secret and not be able to tell those closest to you. To not be able to tell the ones who matter the most. It was no big deal telling you guys because I knew that you would accept me with open arms. With my dad, as much as I'd like to believe that is the case, I really don't see it happening that way. He always tells me he loves me no matter what. And in my mind I'm thinking 'really? are you sure?' He's been so supportive through everything. Through the cutting and the whole bipolar/ptsd drama and dealing with doctor after doctor. And paying all this money just to make sure i'm okay. And I feel like if I do tell him it will just be another burden I'm putting on his back for him to carry. It feels like I'm crushing him with everything I've put him through. I know I didn't ask for any of this but it doesn't make the feelings go away any quicker. And I know that if I tell him it's ultimately his decision on how to handle it. But I don't want to be the one to break him. And I'm afraid I will be.
askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-13 08:18 pm
Entry tags:

Coming Out Letter #2

Dad,

 

            There is something that I have been keeping a secret for a long while now. I want nothing more than to be open and honest with you about everything in my life. I’m not good at speaking when it comes to things like this so I thought it would be better to write it out instead. This is easily one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to tell you. Please just take your time and read this whole letter.

 

            For as long as I can remember I’ve had these thoughts that I didn’t fully understand until the last few years. I remember growing up thinking that I was not all that comfortable in my own skin. I thought maybe I wasn’t giving being a girl a good enough shot or it was a problem with my weight or something like that. I tried growing out my hair and dressing in a girly manner. It didn’t help, if anything it made me feel more awkward. It didn’t go away when I lost weight either. But as I started maturing I realized that it those weren’t the issues.  I can recall having thoughts like ‘I wish I was a boy’ or ‘why can’t I be a boy’ from a young age.  That being said I’ve come to the conclusion that I am transgender. That means I may be female on the outside but I feel male on the inside. I feel more comfortable referring to myself as a male, using a male name, and having people use male pronouns [he/his] when they refer to me. I don’t know that I can fully explain why I feel this way but it’s just something that I know to be true in my heart. I know these feelings and thoughts have been there for years but I just tried to hide them or pretend they didn’t exist. It didn’t really click up until the last couple of years that I am transgender.

 

                        I know that I am not the woman you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of. We have been through so much together, good and bad. The only hope that I have right now is that you will continue to be there by my side. I love you and respect you so very much. I’m not asking you to accept me as a man. I’m merely asking you to continue to be there for me. When I introduce myself to people I use the name Cole, this is the name I have chosen to go by.  I hope to legally change it when I get the chance to do so. I know you probably have questions, some of which I might not be able to explain. I’ll try my best though.

 

I couldn’t ask for a better father or a better friend. I’ve told you all of this so we could continue to be honest with each other about everything in out lives. I’m finally starting to feel happy in my life, something I wasn’t sure could ever happen. I just want you to know I love you very much. I know this has probably been very hard for you to hear and it wasn’t my intention to hurt you in any way. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means a lot to me just having you listen to what I have to say.

 

 

Love always,

Cole

askmetobelieve: (Default)
2009-08-13 04:49 pm
Entry tags:

Coming out as trans...

I have the first draft of my coming out letter to my father over on my livejournal.
Click HERE to go and read it. Let me know what you think.