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[personal profile] askmetobelieve
The scariest thing I can imagine is coming out to my mother. It would be even worse than coming out to Nanny. And Nanny is the religious one! You would think that. Because she's my mother she should love me no matter what. But to be honest I rarely feel like she truly cares and loves me. We've just never been close. And when you aren't close to someone, you have less of an idea about they will react. And the reaction I think she will have is one of horror and disgust. Sure she has a gay brother, but she hates the fact that I'm attracted to both men and women. She's always asking me 'So, are you still a lesbian?' and it gets to me. Shouldn't a parent love their child no matter what? I'm not saying that we have to agree on everything but she should at least be able to accept something like that since she has know since I was 13. Ten years and she still won't show any sign of budging. So you can imagine why I don't really want to come out as trans to her. I'm suppose to go visit her next week. I'm going to try and give her a letter similar to the one I gave my dad when I leave. Definitely to much of a chicken to give it to her when I get there. So, the next step would be her's. If she wishes to continue our relationship then that would be great. And maybe then my faith in her would be restored a little bit. Like I said this is the scariest thing I could imagine doing, but that is part of the reason why I want to do it. I need to stand up for myself and be true to who I am. And if she can't be happy and support me in this then that's on her. It wouldn't be my fault for her reaction. And I think that is one of the hardest parts to believe. I love my mom regardless of what she may have done or haven't done in the past. Even after all the bullshit and the abuse. It would still hurt me if she decided to no longer be there for me. I'm going to be obsessing about this until I tell her. Let's just hope I don't drive myself crazy in the mean time.

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Cole

Cole...

23, live in Manassas, Virginia. I have bipolar disorder and PTSD. I am transgender [pre-everything]

August 2009

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