Aug. 15th, 2009

askmetobelieve: (Default)

Final draft time, then I won't have to bother you anymore on this subject...which is a total lie but is sounds good doesn't it?! I added/edited a few things here and there., which are all bolded for your . All in all it's pretty much the same as the second draft. I'm going to take a copy to my therapist office and get her opinion on it on Tuesday. On to the letter...

Dad,

 

            There is something that I have been keeping a secret for a long while now. I want nothing more than to be open and honest with you about everything in my life. It has pained me to keep this from you. I’m not good at speaking when it comes to things like this so I thought it would be better to write to you instead. This is easily one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to tell you. Please just take your time and read this whole letter.

 

            For as long as I can remember I’ve had these thoughts that I didn’t fully understand until the last few years. I remember growing up thinking that I was not all that comfortable in my own skin. I thought maybe I wasn’t giving being a girl a good enough shot or it was a problem with my weight or something like that. I tried growing out my hair and dressing in a girly manner. It didn’t help. As I started maturing I realized that those weren’t the issues. I remember having these thoughts ranging from ‘why can’t I be a boy?’ to ‘why can’t I go outside without a shirt on?’ to ‘why do I have to pee sitting down?’ That being said I’ve come to the conclusion that I am transgender. That means I may be female on the outside but I feel male on the inside. I feel more comfortable referring to myself as a male, using a male name, and having people use male pronouns [he/his] when they refer to me. I don’t know how to explain it fully. It’s just something I know in my heart. I know these feelings and thoughts have been there for years but I just tried to hide them or pretend they didn’t exist. It didn’t really click until the last couple of years that I was in fact transgender.

 

I know that I am not the woman you wanted me to be, but I hope I am a child you can be proud of. We have been through so much together, good and bad. The only hope that I have right now is that you will continue to be there by my side. I love you and respect you so very much. I’m not asking you to accept me as a man. I’m merely asking you to continue to be there for me. When I introduce myself to people I use the name Cole, this is the name I have chosen to go by.  I hope to legally change it when I get the chance to do so. I know you probably have questions, some of which I might not be able to explain. I’ll try my best though.

 

            None of this is your fault, no one is to blame. There are many theories as to why this type of thing happens. One is that in the womb there is a rush of testosterone but not enough to form a male body, but enough to form the male brain. I wouldn’t even be bringing this up unless it was something I thought long and hard about. I wouldn’t put you through this unless I was sure. I don’t want to hurt you or get you upset, but I’m sure you will feel some of these feelings anyway. And I’m truly sorry for that. It isn’t my intention to bring you pain. I love you so very much. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it has meant the world to me to share this with you.

 

I love you.

- Cole

askmetobelieve: (Default)
I ordered a new binder off underworks! I got the same one I already have. I was scared to get a size smaller. At least now I have two that I can rotate with instead of having to worry about washing it so often. I got the two day delivery so it should be here at least by Tuesday. I'm excited it's like Christmas coming early! It's rather sad that this is my idea of Christmas, I mean there isn't even SNOW involved.

I also went shopping and got a jacket, a hoodie and a button up black shirt. I look pretty snazzy in the black shirt if I do say so myself. The jacket is a womens but it was just to cool to pass up. I have nothing to wear it with but I'm sure I'll find something. And I have a love of shoes. So I got these hot pink/blue/black shoes. I saw them and knew they were meant for me. Only someone this weird would wear something like that. Dad hates them but that only makes me love them a little more than I already did. He says they are ugly but I really don't care. THEY'RE SHOES, how can they be ugly?! Wait, I take that back. I've seen shoes so ugly even I wouldn't buy them. See I keep gushing about shoes, it'a an addiction. I'm going to go slap myself. Good night!

...unless I get bored and decide to post something else...later.

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Cole

Cole...

23, live in Manassas, Virginia. I have bipolar disorder and PTSD. I am transgender [pre-everything]

August 2009

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